The Deadline

I need to remind myself, limits are productive. I am dealing with a mixed bag of them, some obviously positive, some less apparently so. On the good side, I have until October 2006 to spend $5 000 of government program money on education. Very lucky me. On the other side, I received a bit of disappointing news this week. I finally got hold of a live human in McGill's department of Educational and Counselling Psychology where I had hoped I might begin an MA in Counselling Psychology next fall. She told me a minimal requirement for applying is an honours Psychology BA. Instead I have a not-so-honourable Specialization BA in Communication Studies. Back to the drawing board, learning all the time.

Next possibility in line to check out: a special 14-month McGill BSW program that would begin a year from now. This would prepare me to work as a social worker and set me up for some subsequent training in psychotherapy. Over the course of my career I would like at different times to work as a therapist, mediator, interpersonal communications/conflict resolutions trainer and writer. But how exactly to connect the dots? This remains to be seen. I need to explore and meditate much further. Right in front of me to do: entry into some pre-requisite undergrad courses, like intro to statistics; some new volunteer work (which I have no idea about yet); and improvement of my French.

If by mid-fall it seems dicey that I'll be able to get into the BSW program in time to meet my spending deadline, I may just take my upgraded French skills and apply for January admission into Concordia's Translation MA program, as well (a much less ambitious undertaking), moving up a flexible means to make an okay living doing something else I love, and postponing achievement of the goals above until I am no longer struggling so hard financially.

I am still very mixed up as to whether I should stay in Montreal and pursue these things along with completion of my advisory committee involvement in the Polyvalence project regarding non-gay/non-straight peoples' access to local healthcare services, or move to Toronto in the fall and head off on another path altogether, being with Jesse and my family, making a life of work with writing and continued ESL teaching. There's a lot of mystery for me to act within as I try to sort these things out.

My grandma is driving me a bit nuts during this nothing-is-certain process. Lord love her, she is the only through and through sensible person in my family, always most interested in what bus I took to see her, how my friends from the distant past are faring, whether I am warm, fed, and have enough money. She lives to see that the basics of subsistence are all looked after. Though we are opposites in terms of what we prefer to think about, she and I have always had a remarkably warm and profound bond. She has always loved me intensely while trying to be understanding of my ethereal ways.

Now she is 93, unable to take in much new information, and more exclusively running her brain along certain key grooves. She's the one who mostly drives our conversations in predictable directions now, and what she all the time wants to know is: "Are you in school yet?!" Last time we talked she said, "Oh I probably shouldn't say this but I want you to be settled (ie. 'good' job track, with extra points if you marry) before I die!"

This made me laugh because she's effectively told me that when I finally do get onto some kind of abundantly fruitful adult track, she'll be able to relax enough to die! And make no mistake, if anyone was ever iron-willed enough to decide exactly when to kick on off out of this world, it would be Mary Minnion.

If that's what she wants to hold out for then let go, that's all right with me in the big view. I know she and I will have to let each other go relatively soon. I know I need to move on no matter what everyone else is living or dying for. Full life requires we make and respect our deadlines.